Beautiful Heartbreak

I’m going to tell you a story about a girl. A girl who hoped and believed in someone so much. A girl who went through an emotional rollercoaster that seemed never ending. But what she gained made it all worth it in the end.

                It was early in September. The beginning of a new school year. The start of something new. It was what seemed to be a normal day in ceramics class until she suddenly noticed the radiant smile of a handsome young man. That smile- she couldn’t get it out of her head. The thought of him overtook her mind from that moment on. He was sooo mysterious to her, and wanted to know everything about him! Her first impression of him was that of a “bad boy”. He had two visible tattoos and his pants sagged. Her gut was telling her “Oh no, stay away! This isn’t going to end well!” But her heart was telling her to stop being a scardy cat, to woman up, and talk to him. Just as she had found the courage to talk to him, he did it first. Weeks went by and within those weeks she found out three things. 1) He had done something to get himself kicked out of school. 2) He was recently baptized and had one of the strongest testimonies she had ever heard. And 3) She was slowly but surely falling in love with him. Not knowing much about his family or how he grew up or much about himself for that matter, she continued to pursue him in hopes that he would fall for her. Maybe she could help him become the person he longs to be. But just within those few weeks of messaging back and forth, she changed. She became the most spiritual, open hearted, loving person she had ever been. She always thought, “Well if he could do it, so can I!” Her relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ increased tremendously as she kneeled in prayer and read the Book of Mormon each night without fail. Everyone noticed the positive change in her. Before it reached the end of the year, he was allowed back in school. They would make eye contact and smile at each other in the halls but never talked, only but through messaging. She was too much of a nervous wreck around him to do anything more than that, until she finally had the courage to invite him to the temple with her. They went on a walk around to look at all the beautiful holiday lights and talked for what seemed like hours. It was a spiritual night filled with happiness. A month or so later, they said their first of many “I love you”s. Everything was perfect. They were perfect. Until everything started changing little by little. She started hearing things from her peers at school that he was doing some illegal things. As she mentioned it to him he denied, denied, denied. She always had a gut feeling that he was lying. A feeling that literally made her sick to her stomach at times. But being the loving, forgiving, sometimes naïve girl she is, she let it go. Until he got kicked out of school again. A month or so went by of him lying and of her being so confused and in love that she chose to be on his side. She didn't know what he's been through, and didnt want to make things any harder for him. But nonetheless, she faced a stressful battle each day of what was right and what was wrong. She bottled all kinds of emotions inside her aching heart. She had no clue what to do. She put so much time and effort into trying to figure things out and what to do that she lost her spiritual high. She was so lost and beyond confused. One day, she couldn’t take it anymore. She couldn’t take the feeling of uncertainty. As she was in the car on her way to pick him up, she pleaded to her Heavenly Father with tears rolling down her cheeks. She cried, “Please God, give me a clear sign! I need to know the truth! I can’t do this anymore. Take him out of my life if you have to! Do whatever it takes.” The very next morning as they were both in her house someone barged through the door. No knock, call, nothing. He pulled him out by the arm and said in a stern voice, “You’re coming with me.” It wasn’t until he was gone when she realized that God had answered her prayers the exact way she needed it. He ended up getting sentenced for 6 months at a juvenile school. She wrote him numerous letters. Forgiving him for everything he had done and wanting to try working things out. She saw and felt a very spiritual side to him so she didn’t want to give up and lose hope for all the things he had done wrong. Despite everything she knew, he was still nothing but amazing to her. She believed in miracles. Within those 6 months, she was affraid to progress, because of not wanting to grow further apart. So she put off scripture study. She put off prayer. She put off family activities. She stuck herself in her room listening to love songs, song of which gave her hope. Which was totally her fault and her fault only. She could have tried harder. But towards the end of the 6 months, she was once again sick of the unsure feeling of whether they would work out or not. She wanted it more than anything in the world. So again, she pleaded to her Father in Heaven. She cried, “I haven’t asked you what I should do because I’m terrified of what the answer will be. But I’m ready to know, please just give me the strength to make it through.” A few weeks later she received a message from a young man who was in juvey with him, but returned home before he got out. The message said he was breaking up with her. She was absolutely devastated. Her whole world came crashing down that night. She laid awake all night thinking of what went wrong. Why wasn’t she good enough? What could she have done differently? Then all of a sudden she felt an enormous amount of gratitude. She felt free. She felt more alive than she had in those 6 months. A part of her came back. Heavenly Father, once again, answered her prayer the exact way she needed it. The next day she went to church and the sacrament talk was on faith. Instantly she was in tears because of the overwhelming thought of going on a mission. She was scared to death. But she knew then and there that she just needed to go. So with every bit of faith she had…she started her mission papers. 

That was my answer... to go on a mission as soon as I could. 

It’s amazing what I have learned from this. I have learned that sometimes you think what you’re doing is right but it’s really just a wrong turn that is meant for getting you to the right path faster. I have learned that Heavenly Father answers your prayers. Always. Whether you notice it or not. I KNOW He is always there, just a prayer away, calling us by name. He is waiting for us. I KNOW that Christ atoned for all of the smallest burdens of the heart. I KNOW His plan is so much better than we could ever have for ourselves. All we need is that tiny seed of faith and courage to move forward. I don’t know what the heck I’m doing. But I do know that He wants me to go on a mission, so I’m doing just that. It’s the best decision I have ever made. I don’t know everything, and that used to scare me, but I’m not afraid anymore because I know that He will be there for me every step of the way, filling my mouth with His words.