Healing from Words I Once Believed

Fat. Ugly. Big nosed. Crooked chin. Messed up teeth. Blemished face. Your eyes aren’t pretty enough. Your chest is too small. Why are you wearing that? —words. These are the words I once believed were defining who I was. The words that lead me to hate myself. The words that resulted in an eating disorder. Through my teenage years, my body (the way I saw it) was the determining factor in what I thought about myself.

            Elementary school was really tough for me. It was the beginning of the “words”. I was teased nearly every day by people whom I soon began to fear. I was scared to go to school. I was scared of any attention being on me because in my mind it would always end in words, detrimental words.

            It became easier in the beginning of middle school. I gained some confidence as I grew into my body. However, my confidence was based on my body. The boys loved my big bottom and small waist—yes even as a very young girl. I didn’t know who I was. I just knew that my body contained something that could make others feel a certain way about me. Eighth grade was the worst year yet. I was new in a very small school—one of the only white girls. The majority of the school was Hispanic and it was very small. It started off great. I had lots of friends and felt pretty. I felt more value coming from my face, not just my body. Soon enough, girls started to hate me. I was getting a lot of attention from the boys. These girls, who were once my best friends, made part of my eighth-grade year a living hell. It wasn’t enough to them to call me “whore” as they walked passed me in the halls. It wasn’t enough for them to tell everyone to hate me, just because they did. It wasn’t enough for them to stand outside the cafeteria in a big group just awaiting my exit after I had waited till the very last minute possible to go to class, fearful. Nothing was enough. One day they framed me. I received a text from a “good” friend who lived around the corner inviting me over, I agreed. Upon arriving, something was off. I felt something strange. To my dismay the five Hispanic girls, that hated my guts, were walking down the street. In this instant I knew that if I didn’t leave I was going to get hurt. I decided to walk towards my house. Unfortunately, they started walking faster and faster and I began to run. I knew if I stopped that they were going to physically show me how much they hated me. I didn’t stop, as they chased me, until I ran all the way through my home, slamming the door, panting, and finally crying out for comfort. This was the last straw. My worth was gone.

            I began high school in a new town, 2 states away, and I felt like I finally belonged somewhere. I had friends who were kind and helped me be a better person. I was surrounded by those who had my same beliefs. And somehow, I still didn’t know what my worth really was or who I was. The compliments on my body remained constant. I took pride in these comments. It gave me some satisfaction. This is when the eating disorder began. I would eat, a lot. They call it binge eating. I ate until my stomach hurt. Maybe because of the stress I was putting on myself to look “perfect”. I don’t know. Then the next day when I wasn’t in pain from all the food, I would exercise. I needed the food and I needed it to be gone right away as well. I was never happy in this never-ending cycle. There was even a week when I didn’t eat anything at all because I needed to lose weight.

            My mission was my turning point with the eating disorder. It is when I learned I actually had a problem and I needed help. With the weight gain of about 25 pounds and the lack of motivation to work out in the mornings, I was in trouble. Every time I looked at myself in the mirror I thought to myself “Why can’t you have more control and just say no? Your body is ugly and no one will ever love it again.” I was depressed. One night my companion and I were hanging out around the apartment after planning and getting ready for bed. One of the cupboards had a collection of treats in it from family packages. At this point I was a little over half way through my mission. I remember very clearly getting off of the couch because I could not stop thinking about the delicious treats in the adjacent cupboard. I preceded to have a battle within my mind. I then started pacing back and forth very frantically as if I was having withdrawals from some sort of drug just waiting for my next fix. I felt crazy. I felt addicted. I felt controlled. As I opened the cupboard in complete anger towards myself, I grabbed the treat box, set it on the counter, and had a panic attack. My companion then realized I was having a very difficult time. As I held the box in my hands, contemplating my next move, with my companion by my side and hand on my back, I screamed. I couldn’t take the stress it was giving me anymore. The one thing I wanted more than anything in the world at that point was right in front of me. It was slowly killing me and taking away my agency and happiness. I hated it. I loved it. I needed help. My sweet companion gave me courage that day. With a smile on her face and determination I lacked, she said “DUMP IT!”. I looked at her in awe wondering how she could allow me to throw away her treats as well. She wasn’t kidding. As I realized her seriousness, I gathered all the courage I had, all the control, all the desire that was deep inside, and I tossed it. I did it! I threw away my addiction! I threw away what was controlling me!

            Now, my mission didn’t fix my problem. I came home and still struggled. I hid goodies out of shame. I stress ate. And I was still learning. Through lots of help from God, my desires slowly changed from the importance of the number on the scale to the importance of feeling good. I became more focused on doing good things for my body. I have since learned a lot about shame. My life was shameful. It never ended. It’s still hard sometimes, but I am really working on shame. For example, being 37 weeks pregnant, feeling sick, and it being difficult to workout makes it troubling some days. Yesterday, I went to the store to buy groceries. I was tired from my sleepless night and my aching body. When I got to the checkout and was tempted by the endless number of goodies surrounding me, after some contemplation, I gave in and slid a pack of skittles onto the belt. Right when I got into the car, I received a text from my husband saying that he was ready to be picked up. This disappointed me for a split second. I realized I wanted to finish them before picking him up to, essentially, hide it from him. In that moment I decided that I was not going to go into the unwanted shame cycle again! I opened the package, ate a handful, set in on my purse, and went on my way to pick him up. As he hopped in the car, I explained my situation and instead of me feeling disappointed in myself for a simple bag of skittles, him and I were able to laugh with each other. I felt joyful and had no desire to be ashamed of what I had done in my weak moment of pregnant suffering in the checkout line.

            Words—I decide how they affect me, words I say to myself and words others say to me. I would never have imagined that words would lead me to the struggle of an eating disorder, but that’s what my life consisted of—pleasing others by maintaining something I “thought” I could control, only to become something that had controlled me. The most important lesson I have been able to come to understand a tiny bit more is the love and sacrifice of my Savior. I know that He has always known how I have felt. He was there when I thought I was completely alone. He was there in my darkest times. He supported me through my trials. His love was constant which I needed to know because of the lack of love I had for myself. I know the Savior, somehow, understands eating disorders, body dysmorphia, and every other seemingly insignificant struggle we all have. How grateful I am for this knowledge.

Beautiful To Him

We are sons and daughters of Heavenly parents. We chose to come here and be apart of this great work. We each were born with divine purpose. Divine potential. We ALL have unique abilities and talents that the world NEEDS.

While in high school I was scared of the future. Scared of hard work and failure. Scared to be different in a sense. I wanted to do things to please people.  Now that I am a high school graduate, my whole way of thinking has changed. I've never wanted to learn so much before! I've never wanted to be so different. I've never wanted to find who I was sent here to be. I've never wanted to please God more.

I realize now who I am. I am a daughter of a KING! How amazing is that? I have the ability to become! Who I was or even who I am now is nothing compared to what I have the ability to become! And how amazing is it that the same goes for each and every one of us. We are all in the process of becoming. We all have divine potential. If only we but realize the powerful force of good that we can become, if not already. And the most amazing part of it all? Even after we become who we have been striving to be, we can strive for more! Our abilities are endless. 

Have faith in yourself. Have faith in your loving Heavenly Father. Pray. Pray ALWAYS. As much as you think you can do it on your own, you can only get so far without help. Without the help of the Savior. I never realized the role He plays in my life until my senior year. God is so good you guys. He loves you more than you could EVER imagine. You are beautiful to Him. You are perfect. The worlds little lies are destruction in diguise. Don't heed to their words or view on beauty. The world can't see what lies within you. The world doesn't know what you can become. Little by little they will feed you lies that will eat away at your soul. They will make you forget who you are and the divine potential you hold inside. Look to God. Look to Him in all things. And I promise, I PROMISE that you will realize how great you really are. His love is endless. It is always there. All He wants is for you to ask. He wants you to want His help. And whence He knows that, He will help! Even when you don't think He is answering your prayers or hearing your cries. He is. I know it because I've felt that way. But the moment I put faith in Him and knew of His great power, I felt His love encircling in all aspects of my life. Just believe. And if you don't have faith or believe, just rely on some one you loves faith until you have enough of your own. 

YOU ARE GLORIOUS. You have a purpose. A purpose that God wants you to find. Find it. And once you find it, clinge onto it as if your life depends on it, because the world will try to take it away faster than you can see. I pray that you will always remember who you are. And when you don't (and you will forget) I pray that you will pray. And ask for strength. I can't stress to you enough how much sincere prayer helps. Just pray pray pray until you feel His love encircling you. Until you feel His hand on your back telling you "Fear not, I am with you and you are loved."

You are amazing.
You are unique.
You are loved.

This is Happiness...

The Book of Mormon, boy are we ever so blessed to have this book on earth. I have come to love it. The feeling of happiness and peace that it brings to my life is a feeling that can not be explained. As a young girl I never paid any attention to the stories taught in Sunday school.. So if you were to ask me about a story in it, I probably wouldn't be able to tell you much. But, my knowledge is growing with each turning page. I can truthfully feel its power just by opening it. Life starts to make sense. Faith increases. And trials are easier. I catch myself smiling for no reason throughout the day. 

That is happiness. 

Although, I will still have bad days, days when I want to give up, and days when I have doubts.. I just have to remind myself that there  is opposition in all things and that this book, this gospel, my Father in Heaven and my brother Jesus Christ have saved my life. 

I'm eternally grateful for the Book of Mormon. 

Beautiful Heartbreak - Hilary Weeks

Beautiful Heartbreak

I’m going to tell you a story about a girl. A girl who hoped and believed in someone so much. A girl who went through an emotional rollercoaster that seemed never ending. But what she gained made it all worth it in the end.

                It was early in September. The beginning of a new school year. The start of something new. It was what seemed to be a normal day in ceramics class until she suddenly noticed the radiant smile of a handsome young man. That smile- she couldn’t get it out of her head. The thought of him overtook her mind from that moment on. He was sooo mysterious to her, and wanted to know everything about him! Her first impression of him was that of a “bad boy”. He had two visible tattoos and his pants sagged. Her gut was telling her “Oh no, stay away! This isn’t going to end well!” But her heart was telling her to stop being a scardy cat, to woman up, and talk to him. Just as she had found the courage to talk to him, he did it first. Weeks went by and within those weeks she found out three things. 1) He had done something to get himself kicked out of school. 2) He was recently baptized and had one of the strongest testimonies she had ever heard. And 3) She was slowly but surely falling in love with him. Not knowing much about his family or how he grew up or much about himself for that matter, she continued to pursue him in hopes that he would fall for her. Maybe she could help him become the person he longs to be. But just within those few weeks of messaging back and forth, she changed. She became the most spiritual, open hearted, loving person she had ever been. She always thought, “Well if he could do it, so can I!” Her relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ increased tremendously as she kneeled in prayer and read the Book of Mormon each night without fail. Everyone noticed the positive change in her. Before it reached the end of the year, he was allowed back in school. They would make eye contact and smile at each other in the halls but never talked, only but through messaging. She was too much of a nervous wreck around him to do anything more than that, until she finally had the courage to invite him to the temple with her. They went on a walk around to look at all the beautiful holiday lights and talked for what seemed like hours. It was a spiritual night filled with happiness. A month or so later, they said their first of many “I love you”s. Everything was perfect. They were perfect. Until everything started changing little by little. She started hearing things from her peers at school that he was doing some illegal things. As she mentioned it to him he denied, denied, denied. She always had a gut feeling that he was lying. A feeling that literally made her sick to her stomach at times. But being the loving, forgiving, sometimes naïve girl she is, she let it go. Until he got kicked out of school again. A month or so went by of him lying and of her being so confused and in love that she chose to be on his side. She didn't know what he's been through, and didnt want to make things any harder for him. But nonetheless, she faced a stressful battle each day of what was right and what was wrong. She bottled all kinds of emotions inside her aching heart. She had no clue what to do. She put so much time and effort into trying to figure things out and what to do that she lost her spiritual high. She was so lost and beyond confused. One day, she couldn’t take it anymore. She couldn’t take the feeling of uncertainty. As she was in the car on her way to pick him up, she pleaded to her Heavenly Father with tears rolling down her cheeks. She cried, “Please God, give me a clear sign! I need to know the truth! I can’t do this anymore. Take him out of my life if you have to! Do whatever it takes.” The very next morning as they were both in her house someone barged through the door. No knock, call, nothing. He pulled him out by the arm and said in a stern voice, “You’re coming with me.” It wasn’t until he was gone when she realized that God had answered her prayers the exact way she needed it. He ended up getting sentenced for 6 months at a juvenile school. She wrote him numerous letters. Forgiving him for everything he had done and wanting to try working things out. She saw and felt a very spiritual side to him so she didn’t want to give up and lose hope for all the things he had done wrong. Despite everything she knew, he was still nothing but amazing to her. She believed in miracles. Within those 6 months, she was affraid to progress, because of not wanting to grow further apart. So she put off scripture study. She put off prayer. She put off family activities. She stuck herself in her room listening to love songs, song of which gave her hope. Which was totally her fault and her fault only. She could have tried harder. But towards the end of the 6 months, she was once again sick of the unsure feeling of whether they would work out or not. She wanted it more than anything in the world. So again, she pleaded to her Father in Heaven. She cried, “I haven’t asked you what I should do because I’m terrified of what the answer will be. But I’m ready to know, please just give me the strength to make it through.” A few weeks later she received a message from a young man who was in juvey with him, but returned home before he got out. The message said he was breaking up with her. She was absolutely devastated. Her whole world came crashing down that night. She laid awake all night thinking of what went wrong. Why wasn’t she good enough? What could she have done differently? Then all of a sudden she felt an enormous amount of gratitude. She felt free. She felt more alive than she had in those 6 months. A part of her came back. Heavenly Father, once again, answered her prayer the exact way she needed it. The next day she went to church and the sacrament talk was on faith. Instantly she was in tears because of the overwhelming thought of going on a mission. She was scared to death. But she knew then and there that she just needed to go. So with every bit of faith she had…she started her mission papers. 

That was my answer... to go on a mission as soon as I could. 

It’s amazing what I have learned from this. I have learned that sometimes you think what you’re doing is right but it’s really just a wrong turn that is meant for getting you to the right path faster. I have learned that Heavenly Father answers your prayers. Always. Whether you notice it or not. I KNOW He is always there, just a prayer away, calling us by name. He is waiting for us. I KNOW that Christ atoned for all of the smallest burdens of the heart. I KNOW His plan is so much better than we could ever have for ourselves. All we need is that tiny seed of faith and courage to move forward. I don’t know what the heck I’m doing. But I do know that He wants me to go on a mission, so I’m doing just that. It’s the best decision I have ever made. I don’t know everything, and that used to scare me, but I’m not afraid anymore because I know that He will be there for me every step of the way, filling my mouth with His words.